Tuesday, December 22, 2009

Pretty Pain-Final and Rethought

The end of my story was ready to go weeks ago. I thought I knew how it would end. I was wrong and it left me reeling.

I was wrong:

Something Tony likes it when I say and I probably don’t say enough. The final third of my story involved two surgeries, overdoses from several narcotics and the inability to see for a week and a half. It involved a blessing, the failure to follow promptings in regards to said blessing and thus the consequence of lost eyesight until the drug I was not supposed to take was out of my system. It involved me going to Denver to live for almost three months with my son and mother and going through extensive physical therapies and rehabilitation. It involved being able to have a second child against all odds and being able to hold her. It involved me being able to tell you that I know what the people of King Benjamin knew and that my prayer was indeed answered. All of that is true.

Mid-October Tony was approached by a headhunter and a trip to Miami and three interviews later we awaited an offer. The process was arduous and nerve wracking. I did not want to leave my family, friends, and ward. I didn’t want to leave my son’s school, his friends, or the new temple. The whole step of the way I felt like I was going to be saying goodbye. I had an epiphany when I realized that the new temple that was announced over conference was in the district we would be moving to. I looked up my condition and the largest facility that works with TOS patients in the rehabilitation that I need was only mere minutes from the company Tony was awaiting an offer from. It seemed like more than mere coincidence. I emailed my people I worked with in Denver and they had received their training from the man who started the facility in Miami. They told me that if I got this opportunity to go there, that it would be wonderful for my recovery.

Meanwhile at home, things were breaking down…literally. The garage door, the swamp cooler, the refrigerator, the dishwasher, a leak in the basement, my car, Tony’s jeep, a leak in the ceiling and we joked that it seemed like all things were pointing to this move since it seemed like a lot was happening to us right now. We joked about it a lot. The day came that we were waiting for them to fax the offer over and instead the call came from the headhunter. The woman who was runner up had a friend who knew the president of the company personally and he talked the president into changing his mind. It was she who received the offer.

We were stunned. That’s business and that’s life. But it was our life.
I didn’t understand why the facility that seemed tailor made for me had been RIGHT there.
I felt selfish.
I felt confused. It seemed right and we hadn’t gone looking for it, it had found us.
I realized that I have a lot to learn.
I realized that He knows the desires of my heart.
He knows what I need. He knows where I need to be. He knows what I am capable of even when I don’t believe it myself.

A couple of days after this happened I was kneeling in front of my dryer folding clothes. As I knelt I began to pray. First thoughts out of my mouth: “I’m sorry for being bad.” (Can you believe I said this?) I am ashamed to admit it now.
Overwhelming feeling: That I am NOT bad. That I am HIS daughter and that HE loves me. I changed my thought process.
“Please increase my faith,” I said.

The thing about it is this: It’s His will, not mine and sometimes things just happen. Who knows why? Our family has been incredibly blessed. Service has been rendered to us that enlarges my soul.

I am happy. I am finding peace. I am learning that life is not just to be endured and especially at this Christmas season when miracles truly do occur. If I could only convey how much my loved ones mean to me. I am grateful that we are staying because the people who surround me are priceless to me. My son, upon finding out we were staying was jumping up and down with excitement. He would be loathe to leave the friends he holds dear.

The ending to my story is not what I thought. But it hasn’t ended yet. It never really will, that’s the great thing. I never want it to. I cannot imagine not learning anything more, not experiencing growth. Yah, growing hurts, sometimes like hell, but at the end of the day it makes me rely on Him and I rejoice in that. He is the author, but He lets me write it down. Sometimes I write word by word, not even realizing where the comma goes (pretty much true of all my writing) When I go back and read it somehow it all flows. I have to erase a lot, I find myself repeating the same antidotes, I occasionally take poetic license, but I can’t put my pencil down. He knows what my story will be and we write it together…every day.

We here at The Benjamin Bunch wish you a beautiful Christmas.


Kristina P. said...

Rachel, I appreciate you sharing your story so far! What amazing trials you have been through.

I wish you and your family a very Merry Christmas.

Lara said...

Wow, you have really been through it, haven't you. I appreciate your attitude and your faith, I don't know that I could have similar reactions in your shoes.

Merry Christmas! :)

Robin said...

Well, all I can say is that selfishly I'm glad you're staying!

rubberbandgirl said...

I love you so much and am constantly uplifted and strengthened by the experiences you share.

p.s. Dane was jumping up and down too and I am v e r y g l a d you are staying.

Christie Gardiner said...

Add me to the list of people who are so glad that our friendly little path will not end now. LOVE YOU.

Donna said...

This is such an affirmative, faith-promoting post. I can relate to much of what you said. Thank you so much for sharing your insights.
Merry Christmas to you and your beautiful family!

The Kooky Queen--Rachel said...

Wow, what a great final touch to your pretty pain volume! Incredible. As I have read it, I realize that the pain that I feel daily almost, is definitely not this bad and I am grateful. I hope one day to find the diagnosis of what is afflicting me like you did. Such an awesome story!

Finding Joy in the Moments said...

You are going to be our neighbor. YEAH!!! I am grateful that you are not going any where.

There is joy in every journey. Like you I have had to revisit my trials and find the joy. Usually I find it when the trial is almost over.

I loved the part where you pray in front of the dryer about how disappointed you are in yourself. I feel that often too and like you the Father reminds me that MY BEST is good enough for him knowing that my best will not be the same everyday.

You are a joy to be friends with. I love learning about your journey.

merry Christmas my friend.

Lara said...

Merry Christmas Rachel! I can't believe how big your kids are getting! Especially your little girl. I am glad you are still here even though I don't get to see you very often:)

Erin said...

Wow, what a story! Thank you for sharing it.

Have a Merry Christmas!

Shauna said...

Hope you have a blessed and very Merry Christmas! ♥ HUGS ♥

Jeana said...

I guess this works as a Christmas Card--you're forgiven!!! You're a wonderful friend to me and I admit that I am relieved you're staying!

mindij said...

First, I am glad you are staying! Even though I don't see you often I would hate to think I didn't really have that option anymore!
Second, a friend of mine in this neighborhood had a similar experience where her husband interviewed for a job in Park City and everything about it was confirmed by the Spirit down to the house they were going to live in. They knew it was where they were supposed to be. Then he didn't get the job and they were very confused only to have the job re-offered months later when the person they originally went with fell through. They now have the job they knew by the Spirit he would have and the very house they knew was theirs.
I don't know if I made any sense right now because for some reason I am up waaaay too late, my contacts aren't working anymore and I have eaten way too much sugar. I'm just sayin, even though it didn't happen now, you never, never know....
Thirdly, you're wonderful! :D

Lyndy said...

Just for the record, I am DELIGHTED you're sticking around. For a while there I was convinced that all my best friends would end up moving! Although that may eventually be true, you're still my thick-and-thin friend. And you know what I mean. Love you Rachel.

Kerri said...

What an amazing story. Thanks for sharing this and increasing my testimony. You are an amazing writer.