Wednesday, September 9, 2009

Cheap Therapy

So I took a sabbatical from my blog.

I thought that by pulling myself back and re prioritizing my life I would find everything I was seeking. I immersed myself in Isaiah, I wrote less, I still didn't eat sugar, cheese, and I was trying to do everything just so, being who I thought I should be, being who I thought He would have me be.
And you know, so much has been better. I feel a lot of peace, but here's the thing: I haven't been happy. I've forgotten how and in all my restylization (did you miss my made-up words?), I forgot that somewhere in all this crazy life, there needs to be room for joy. And you know what brings me joy???? Writing this blog. I need this outlet to express my giant "YAWP" to the world (okay maybe 10 people)
My name is Rachel Benjamin and I am not going to hide; I'm not going to be someone I'm not anymore. I'm not going to share my second or third thoughts, but my first thoughts. I'm not going to place my value on how many followers I have, or comments, or if some of my posts are crap and some might be...I know...
I'm not perfect, I am fantastically flawed. I beat myself up severely for every weakness I perceive in myself while holding the rest of the world up on the pedestals I have carved for them.
Do you know what I am going to do tomorrow? I am going to my darling friend Lyndy's (I owe you one, my friend) and we are going to sing at the top of our lungs and I am going to write and write and I am going to follow and embrace the light inside of me and be who I am...do you know how healing it is for me to finally say this? I have been terrified my entire life that if I'm not the person everyone else needs me to be, I will end up alone. It is my deepest fear. I am afraid of being alone...wow, I admitted it.. I'm not though. There are so many people in my life who I adore.

So here I am. I've missed you all terribly. I'm back in the saddle...

17 comments:

Kristina P. said...

I'm so glad you've returned!

Leslie said...

WELCOME BACK! You and Lyndy are going to sing ? I want to be there for that :)

annalisa said...

Not that I read blogs that often (with that writing I'm trying to do), but I'm glad you're back too. I can so relate to this anxiety, to being what I think other people want me to be, to offending people, to people not liking me, it's exhausting. I can't wait to read all that writing you do.

mindij said...

YAY! I missed you! I see you took the 'followers' down! you inspire me! I realize, too, that we need joy in this life! I am glad you took the time to figure it out for yourself and I am glad you are back! I want your 1st, 2nd, and 3rd thoughts! Now, you are going to post every day, right?? ;)

rubberbandgirl said...

"I'm back in the saddle again
Out where a friend is a friend
Where the longhorn cattle feed
On the lowly gypsum weed
Back in the saddle again"

Your words are music to my ears!

trish said...

Ya Rachel's back! I always love to read your blog and see what new and exciting stories you have to share.

Melissa said...

It's nice to see you again :) You have lots of friends and supporters who love you just the way you are. No need to hide, my friend. (And does this mean you're going to start eating sugar again, too?)

Christie Gardiner said...

oh good!

Lara said...

Glad you are back! And have fun at Lyndy's, I wish I saw you both more often:)

Kimberly said...

Love you Rachel! You need to give yourself a break. Glad your blogging again, I always enjoy your writing, you have a definite talent.

Lara said...

And we're so glad to have you back.

I love what you said about being who you are and not what others need you to be. Balance. I have a difficult time finding the balance between the two.

Julie P said...

Glad you're back!

Christine said...

I was just thinking about you yesterday. I've missed you!! Welcome back! And I hope you find joy. :)

Kellie said...

Before I even read your post I got so excited to see that you had a new one! I know I'm not the only one who's missed your writing. I've tried to take breaks, too and have found that too much gets pent up inside and I'm afraid that I'll forget all the fun stories of my kids if I don't write them down in the blog.

I'm so glad you're back! And you're right, don't worry about trying to impress with witty posts and gather followers. Those aren't always the point of blogging.

Lyndy said...

That's my girl! You sound joyful again. I am SO glad. And by the way, we totally rock singing those Janice Kapp Perry songs. We'd better perform in church... the ward doesn't know-- or maybe doesn't WANT to know, what it's missing. Hee hee. I love you my friend!

ps. next time... it's Micheal McLean, so watch out! :)

Erin said...

Yay for you! Isn't it liberating to admit what we fear most, and then realize that it's the fear that paralyzes us? And, in essence, it doesn't become so fearful anymore.

Kerri said...

Yay! You're back! I love how you expressed yourself. Blogging is great therapy for me too.