Monday, July 6, 2009

Throw Down With Mother Nature

Now that summer's here, I thought I would share with you my love of nature. There's so many natural wonders to name, but for the sake of time I've narrowed them down to only three of my ABSOLUTE favorites:
1-Ants who want to be my roommates: Look, you might as well know now ants, if you come inquiring about a lease, I WILL kill you. I have a thing about killing roommates who steal my food and crawl over my things. I couldn't kill difficult roommates up at Ricks because of the whole honor code, but it's the real world now ants and you are so dead. Oh, and the toddler who feeds you every meal? Well, she will still feed you because she can't seem to help dropping a truck load of crumbs under her chair, but she will probably kill you anyway too when she picks you up and loves you a little too hard. Either way, get your affairs in order at the anthill...NOW.
2-Weeds: Sure, the snow on the ground six months or more out of the year does get old, I admit it. But at least it provides a nice white, generally gray covering that hides the green disease the engulfs the yard. So bring me your tired...husband, your poor...man's weed killer, your huddled...kids blowing dandelion seeds faster than you can possibly remove them, and you've joined the yard maintenance game that the Benjamin bunch loses each and every year. Oh, we've won a few battles, but have yet to even show up to the war. And there's a little Benedict Arnold of the ground covering fight who thinks the morning glory in the lawn is pwetty. Crap, now it's only 3 to 17 billion and 1...traitorous toddler.
3-Snails: Ok, I admit here is a creature I feel sorry for. They are painfully slow, their shell provides an inadequate protection, and they are in need of some serious personal hygeine tips as they trail this embarrassing ooze wherever they go. But when I open the door and they are on my porch, the steps, the garage door, the kids' playthings, and are eating my garden, I have to think that they are getting the last laugh. And they multiply; the term breeding like rabbits seriously underestimated the power of two willing, albeit slow slime balls. Are they male? Are they female? Who cares. Where there were 2 yesterday, there are 73 today and I personally can't squish them, pour salt on them (barbaric I will never do this EVER), or drown them. Wait! My husband, giver that he is, has found the solution. He will drown them, but before you cry in outrage know this; they will go down happy.
Apparently, he tells me that they really love a good brewsky and will throw themselves into the alcohol and drink themselves into oblivion. Who knew that snails were just waiting around hoping for the next kegger.

Party at my house...

19 comments:

mindij said...

I'll be happy to bring some beer and weed killer! I always love a party!

Jillene said...

hehe!! I have similar issues with all three of those.

Kristina P. said...

Snails creep me out!

Lara said...

We don't have snails at our house, but they sound like a good excuse for a party:) Good luck!

Christie Gardiner said...

Add the squash beetle to the list and I'm right on the same page.

trish said...

Seems to me that all i see is weeds when i go outside, Rachel you should really come over to my house and we can have a weeding party hahahaha

rubberbandgirl said...

I honestly couldn't tell you if I liked subject two or three better (your writing), but by the end I was laughing so hard anyway, it doesn't really matter.
No, I liked two the best with the take on the Ellis Island mantra.

Kerri said...

Ugh. I didn't know that snails multipliesd so quickly! My boys have been catching them. For as slow as they are they sure do escape quickly.

Robin said...

I agree whole heartedly. I'm not above giving my kids a salt shaker but I would never do it myself.

The Kooky Queen--Rachel said...

Icky, how I hate ants in my house!!!!!!! I used to squirt Elmer's glue into the cracks between the floor and the baseboard in one apartment we were in. The glue dried, the ants were stuck, it worked!!!!!!! Until I mopped the floor. Just don't mop the edges. :)

Tink said...

I so feel your pain and have a similar peeve list! My ants are coming to their demise this week when I go to Lowe's and get some aunt killer! And I have no qualms about throwing away snails or drowning them; I just can't squish them. Ewww. Maybe we should get together and have a "pet peeve" killing party.

scrapsidaisy said...

Cheers!! I will bring the 7 layer dip and chips!

Finding Joy in the Moments said...

I keep forgetting to buy beer for my snails. Tom is really good about helping me pick the snails from my Hosta. They have chewed on my plant so much that it is looking more like swiss cheese than a plant. So sad.

I love to read you blog. IT is always so interesting and clever. Thanks for sharing your thoughts publically.

**the muirs** said...

I love it! This is the background my sister chose too! It must be the popular one. It looks so good! Thank you so much for advertising for me!

R Max said...

I sat down in Zion National Park enjoying the majestic cliffs and the beautiful greenery when I looked down to see twenty five billion red ants congregating on my shoes.

I think I broke the speed barrier and the sound barrier at the same time.

Angie Maynes said...

Give your kids some jars and send them "hunting" for bugs and snails. Just don't remind them that the lid needs holes for air. ;) As for the weeds. You are on your own. Our ward has been less than successful, especially with our arch enemy-the morning glory.

It was great to see you this morning, too!

Jeana said...

You know how I feel about snails, and I'm the same way--I hate killing in cold blood. Good luck with that!

Donna said...

This is hilarious! And so true. All of those things are a pain in the summertime.

Kristina P. said...

Hey, I just wanted to check in with you and make sure you're OK!