Saturday, May 16, 2009

Speak

If will alone was a super power, I'd be a comic book hero.

I visualized myself winning a writing competition; the first one I've ever entered. I was notified that I was a finalist and didn't exhale it seemed for a good five minutes. I could feel my character breathing out her history. I thought my story had legs and could run marathons. It must have sauntered casually to that finish line however, and others crossed it first, and second, and third...

My left hand is the conduit through with communication must steadily flow and somehow the space between my brain and said hand loses something in the translation, because I can very rarely SPEAK effectively. I'm married to a National debate champion and the mother to two offspring who talk circles around me, straight from the womb.

And yet, with paper and pen I'm alive and I can pretend...I can pretend I won. That I won the contest and that I walked up on a stage. That there was a microphone so imposing that it made me cross my bleary eyes which blocked the courteous clip clapping of the crowd that came to hear me read my words, my soul. That my children could see their mother achieve something, anything so that they too may know that they can hurdle their Everest.

I picture myself reading, nervous, tremulous diction and damp underarms, but lit up like Christmas morning. My best clothes, straightened hair, unshed tears, a hidden heart resurrected; crazy glued together and soaring into another time...another place...another life.

I WILL do what I dream to do because there is no choice. I was born to speak, though one has to read in order to hear what I'm really needing, yearning, crying to tell them. Someday I will succeed...and until then my left hand will not stop dog paddling through this ocean of words I need to flood my empty pages with.

Because I have a story to tell.

15 comments:

Kristina P. said...

Rachel, you are an amazing writer! You should be so proud of yourself.

Jeana said...

Your story is amazing and it will be published; I have no doubt. Just keep writing!

I know this hurt a little (but just to be nominated. . .). Count it as a success nonetheless.

Great blog, btw.

trish said...

I think that Rachel should post some of her story on her blog it is really really good

Erin said...

Wow, the way you wrote just this was amazing! I can only imagine your comic book writing is just as amazing.

And you're married to a national debate champion? Do you EVER get to win arguments at your house? :)

mindij said...

THEY are total losers and don't know what they are missing! I think your story is amazing and it probably only means it is meant for something bigger than that contest! I'm sorry you didn't win but I am sure there is something out there even bigger for you!

Nicely written!!

**the muirs** said...

Rachel, you're amazing! I can't speak OR write! You are an inspiration! I hope I can be as accomplished as you one day! Keep it up, you really are an amazing writer! Your blog always sucks me in!

Christie Gardiner said...

Your blog reminds me of Curly. I love it. I, for one, am convinced that this story is going to be a vehicle for you. It is a story with a voice for a girl who hasn't one. Ironic, that through her you are finding yours.

In my mind, you won.

And if it makes you feel better, we will stage our own reading for you!

Lara said...

Yes, yes, publish it on your blog. I would love to read it! You are a very talented writer and really should be proud!

Amelia said...

Would you truely value immediate success in the same way you would success that came when you fought long and hard for it? Persevere, my friend, and success will be that much sweeter when it does come; and yes, it will come.

You have a gift, and by sharing it, you bless my life.

Donna said...

You are such a good writer. Congratulations on being a finalist; that's a great accomplishment.
I'm a much better writer than speaker too. The words flow out of my mind much better than my mouth!

rubberbandgirl said...

This was beautiful.
Curly is on my mind and she will have life breathed into her by a printing press and ink!
You are amazing!

Finding Joy in the Moments said...

Racel, your words flow through paper and my words flow through speech. We would make a perfect communication couple. I sit and pray for words to come for our temple celebration page. I hope you are going to submit a page for the cornerstone of the temple. If you do I would love it if you would share it with me. I know words are hard to express for both of us but our hearts say it all when we are together. I am glad you are my friend.

much admiration, mary

Robin said...

I'm sorry they didn't recognize your story for the gem that it was. I'm so pleased that you aren't letting it set you back. Big things are in the future for you and your writing and I can say, "I knew you when..."

Shauna said...

Hope you have a super weekend!
♥ HUGS ♥

Melissa said...

Rachael, I loved what you wrote here. I also feel that I can express myself so much better in the written word than in the spoken word. I NEVER did Debate in high school because the very thought was terrifying. But writing--aaaahhhh, that's a whole other story.