Why I Write

This post is inspired by something my wonderful and quite perceptive new friend Christie shared with me and I recognized the truth of it right away. Thanks Christie!

"I wrote stories from the time I was a little girl...but I didn't want to be a writer I wanted to be an actress. I didn't realize then that it's the same impulse. It's make-believe. It's performance."
Joan Didion quoted by Betsy Lerner in The Forest for the Trees

My earliest memories occurred on stage. I danced atop the ledge of our fireplace, the xylophone mallet as my microphone. I always had the lead in the elementary school productions and had my own performance troupe on hand to promote our plays to unsuspecting, and only occasionally, willing neighbors. In the sixth grade, I began a series of acting classes. Living in Southern California, there was an ever present undercurrent of budding talent and I happily obliged.

Then, horror of horrors, puberty struck. My acting partner inquired as to what the red things all over my face were and my modeling instructor informed me that I had the right height, but I was too painstakingly thin. I began to laugh through my auditions and my confidence was kidnapped by a cruel self doubt…and I stopped. No high school musicals, no college dramas, but I did participate in Road Shows. Remember those? I miss them. Perhaps there was some safety in a church sponsored production for me.

And all the while, I wrote. More precisely, I released. The shine I had dreamed of making on stage was unleashed in the twinkle of my soul I left on the page. I found there was beauty there. It is the reason I write. I am a performer at heart, albeit an imperfect one. That is my life and my truth. I write as a means to perform and I perform to have something to write about after all.

Mares Eat Oats and Does Eat Oats and Rachel B Eats Celery

You are going to get ranting and raving Rachel today, I’m afraid. Once upon a time, I worked in a medical billing office. I know EOB’s (explanation of benefits), CPT and ICD9 codes like the back of my hand. By the time I get a medical bill, I know exactly what we owe to the last penny and let me tell you, the Dr.s offices, and hospitals FREQUENTLY make mistakes and there would have been many times I would have overpaid had I not understood the insurance end of things. A few weeks ago, my son’s pediatrician’s office submitted the claim with the wrong insurance #. As soon as I got word I called and made sure they had the right one to resubmit to our insurance and sure enough I got the EOB a few days later with the claim paid in full. Today I got a bill and I called. The girl was rude, unapologetic and at the end of the day I would not be surprised if I still get a bill even though they have been paid. Here’s why: I could tell instantly that she had no idea what she was doing! She got upset to cover her obvious lack of competence. How often does this happen. The guy who cuts you off is flipping you off when he’s in the wrong because (deep inside, I hope?) he feels guilty so he uses anger to cover his mistake. I see it all the time. I do it too. When I am impatient or quick to anger, the problem lies with me. Therefore, I see in writing this that I’ve got a lot of work to do.

Here’s the big thing. Even a few days ago I would have never written this post, because I would have been afraid to show my fiery side. I don’t know what I was thinking. Somebody thought I was LD and I OD’d on chocolate until they had to open me up. So there you have it. Hi, I’m Rachel and I am a redhead and with that red hair comes a big ole’ side of attitude. Oh and it’s that time of the month, and I no longer eat sugar, cheese, or fried foods and have you ever experienced PMS without these coping mechanisms…OH boy.

But here’s the good news. Since my gallbladder was evicted, I’ve lost 18 pounds. Here’s the before

and after pics. Wait, I just realized in the before picture I have make up on and my hair's done and I'm in a fancy dress. Yah, my face is fuller, but I have red shoes on. Was chocolate really that bad? Wait...don't answer that...

As Good As It Gets

Tony and I got away. For two nights and three days we played. We stayed at two different hotels, saw a play, shopped, went to movies, took tours and in general just relaxed. It was bliss. He knew I needed some time away desperately and planned everything down to the last detail. It was all a surprise.
That night at dinner I found myself tense and in tears. I struggle with anxiety. It's been going on for a long time, but it happens often enough that it disturbs my peace. We were at the Little America hotel and a wave of anxiety struck. Tony and my joy of being out together away from kids and the stress of everyday life was being marred by this demon I battle. Tony and I discussed leaving and my heart felt like it would break in two. Suddenly, Tony looked toward the door and said, "President Monson." I turned around and President and Sister Monson walked toward us and President Monson asked Tony how his dinner was. The spirit was electrifying and my heart was filled with a sweet, loving peace. God in His mercy reminded me in the most profound personal way (just when I needed it) that I am His daughter and that He loves me. Not through a prophetic message this time, but through a prophetic presence. The right place, the right time, and a tender mercy from my benevolent maker.
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"And now for something completely different..." We saw "He's Just Not That Into You." Great movie-love the ensemble cast. Except Scar Jo (Scarlett Johanssen) Beware of her character. I have to say that had she been wearing a snuggie in this movie, nothing bad would have happened.
Anyway, I really liked it and the music was perfect. Thanks Tony, for being one of three guys who were in the theatre :)

Here Comes the Son

January was a long, cold month.



On it's last day, things got warmer.



A whole bunch warmer.



Thanks to everyone who came and supported our boy on his baptism day. We are so grateful for all you do for our family. And yes, that is a snake our daughter is holding...

Hey Gumby, Wanna Dance?

So on Sunday was my husband’s birthday. I knew I needed to do a post, but what to do? My super awesome friend Christine provided the perfect tag. Thanks Christine!

1) Where did you meet your husband?
At a Singles’ Dance neither one of us wanted to go to. Does anyone really WANT to go to those? I was actually meeting someone else there and Tony was so doped up on Nyquil for a bad cough that I could have been Gumby and he would have still asked me to dance.

2) How long did you date before getting married?
We met on September 1^st 1995 and were married March 21^st 1996. Can you say quick engagement?? Hey, what can I say…after he met me he couldn’t function until I was his.

3) How long have you been married?
Almost 13 years

4) What does he do that surprises you?
The way he still looks at me surprises me. Like it’s the first time he’s seen me all over again. He writes me the most beautiful poetry.

5) What is your favorite feature of his?
His eyes are forest green and I just love his nose. I know that sounds funny, but it’s just an excellent feature…really I am quite a fan!

6) What is his best quality?
His honesty and integrity. He does the right thing all the time, even when it’s hard.

7) Does he have a nickname for you?
He calls me Beautiful or Clara.

8) What is his favorite food?
Meat with a side of Meat with a little Meat for dessert.

9) What is his favorite sport?
Football. Super bowl Sunday with his beloved Steelers playing may be a religious experience for him.

Watch this: Hey Tony, the Steelers’ suck!

Just kidding, they are so cool…really, I just can’t watch them enough. Please let’s watch another Steelers’ game…please…

10) When did you first kiss?
On our fifth date after I hit him upside the head in the Salt Lake Temple’s visitors center. (Want to hear that story?) I’m never one to rush things, but after five dates, come on! I laid my forehead against his because I am SO not forward or anything and waited for him to kiss me.

11) What is your favorite thing to do as a couple?
Travel. We would get away anytime if we could. We love to talk about anything and watch movies, play games, and write. We go to our writer’s group every other Saturday together and it’s a highlight for us both.

12) Do you have any children?2 and I’m pretty sure they belong to us. Wait is that a Cheez-it box next to them? Yep, they’re ours!!

13) Does he have any hidden talents?
Him singing 'Total Eclipse of the Heart' is quite entertaining. Also, he's a great actor.

14) How old is he?
37

15) What is his favorite music?
Classic Rock. He’s a music lover. Everything from the Beatles to Pink Floyd to the Blues. Tony has music in his soul. He can’t seem to do any household chore without it…hmmm…

16) What do you admire about him?
His ability to have a positive attitude even when it seems like the world is crashing around him. He has such a powerful belief in the gospel. His testimony is stellar and affects everything he does. He is an awesome teacher and will explain things and answer questions in a way that I could never conceive of so that others understand.

17) What is his favorite color?
Blue

18) Will he read this?
Oh yah. I so appreciate how much he reads my blog and how supportive he is of it.

19) Who said "I love you" first?
He wanted to wait until I did I think. He alluded to it, but wanted to make sure I was feeling the same way.

Happy Birthday sweetheart. We’ve had an amazing adventure and some really, really, tough times. Through it all, I choose you again and again. Thanks for asking me to dance…

Fairly Funny Friday

Back in the day (circa 1996), Tony and I ventured East to the land of forest green, rolling hills, and crowded highways. He had gotten an internship with a certain love song singing, Kennedy canoodling senator. We had one car,a 1990 Honda CRX which carried everything we owned: 7 CDs, a bag of Doritos, and a dream, my friends. Oh, and we had love, which was great because we had to live on that. Money just wasn’t an option.

Senator CD signing at a mall near you paid a stipend of $600 a month. Now I know, in 1996 everything cost a little less. So it was really like $650 a month now- we should have been living like royalty! Nevertheless, we were really greedy and wanted food and gas, so I got two jobs to keep us afloat.

One of those jobs was teaching preschool, and after a couple of weeks I told the director that I was LDS (an acronym for Latter Day Saint as in Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints for those of you who may be less familiar with the term.) She looked shocked and told me that was amazing! She promoted me to supervisor and I received a raise and I conducted the staff meetings and wrote some curriculum and she constantly complimented me and praised my efforts!

Wow, this laying out my religion thing was awesome! I would totally have to “share” the gospel more often. Finally, after a few months of this, the one other Mormon who worked there took me aside. “Rachel, when you told her you were LDS, she thought you meant LD…Learning Disabled.

OH.CRAP.

Sue's got a Very Funny Friday carnival going on so check it out. Thanks to B. for the Fairly Funny Friday idea. I know it's been over two weeks since my last post (that's like 114 years in blog world...my bad)

Electricity

As I sat with my little boy the other evening, I was folding socks. He was poring over the 2009 Road Atlas. I asked him how everything was going.
"Mom, I'm not a magnet."
I stopped folding and looked at him.
He said, "Let me explain it to you scientifically. Some people are magnets." He began to draw me a diagram. "Think of people as pieces of metal and they are always attracted to the magnets. I am like lightening. I am the electricity that is on the outside. I can be attracted to the magnets, but none of the metal is attracted to me."
We talked about the importance of electricity and if he wished he was a magnet. He shook his head no, but said he just wished sometimes the kids wanted to follow him during the games on the playground. I told him that electricity and magnets need each other. He said, "Mom, those are electromagnets and that is a completely different subject."

His 8th birthday is Sunday. I need him to know that although he may not be leading the games on the playground, his influence on others is profound. He disarms adults, is a kind and loyal friend, and the younger children love to play with him because he's inclusive and inventive.

Yes Conner, you are lightening. You light up the sky and make people stop and often watch in wonder. There is nothing I could ever do in this life that is more worthwhile than be you and your sister's mom. Happy Birthday son. Your future awaits... And can we have that conversation soon about electromagnets, cuz I totally don't get what they are.